I actually enjoy calling myself out. I know that sounds weird, but for me it means that my life begins again and again and again every time I have to correct myself and get back up. And this time shouldn’t be any different. But it is, because this particular topic is the core of so many things for me. When this comes crumbling down, there will be nothing left but me, myself, and I, and a knowledge that something fundamental is about to be shifted.
Okay, okay, before I sound all melodramatic I guess I should supply some context to this. I’ll spare you the details but explain the core of this central belief that I've harbored for years. These issues can ripen again and again, and the longer it's ignored, the more agitated the issue is when you finally get to it. I shouldn't be surprised it's been such a beast to take down.
When I was about ten years old, my life changed drastically. I was too young to fully understand what was going on. I couldn’t separate the actions of others from my own. Feeling afraid and threatened, I learned how to take upon myself the shortcomings, fears, and actions of others and project them onto myself. “______ is emotionally compromised” became “I am emotional compromised.” There’s nothing wrong with them. There’s something wrong with me. Something in me that makes me lesser than by nature. And maybe that's something I can't change. This belief sunk into my bones. It buried itself only to form the foundation of a disease that would later manipulate me and twist the truth of everything into a shortcoming of me as a person. I grew up on it. I bought into it. I believed it and gave it everything.
"You lost this person because you don’t satisfy. You bore them.”
“You don’t have the willpower to fast for longer because you’re a weak person.”
"No one wants to hear what you have to say.”
"No one will ever stay long enough to even find out what a mess you really are, so count that in your favor."
“Every mistake that you make is proof. Proof that you yourself are the mistake.”
I know these sound depressing af, but these are phrases that would flood my mind everyday since age 10. Obviously, I’ve been taking apart these thoughts since I’ve been in recovery, but have I really upheived the core? That very insistent and persuasive nagging voice in the back of my mind?
"Something is wrong with you. You will always be left and abandoned. You do not deserve to be loved."
No. I always thought that I did. But the truth is I hadn’t. And it’d be the worst upheaval I’d ever undergo. But the most important one.
So here’s where the whole “calling myself out” part comes in. Because the events of the past few months have made me realize something so important. The truth and the epiphany that finally makes me understand he pattern I've perpetrated.
I am the one rejecting me.
Me. Not ____, or ______, or _______. Me. I’m the one that won’t accept me. I'm the one that is setting an unattainable bar for myself and judging me when I can't get there. I'm the one looking for evidence in my life to feed this belief, even if there is none.
I’m subconsciously turning every situation into an opportunity to fill this void. I will actually put myself into situations in which I know the outcome and STILL turn to self blame in the aftermath. I'm addicted to it I guess.
Broken friendships, family that hurt me, cheating lovers, wasted energy, whatever- all fuel.
When I put my cards out on the table, there’s no evidence at all to support my claims whatsoever. I see it now. And I can’t unsee it.
“This person doesn’t want me. I must not be lovable.”
Wait…what?
Just because someone doesn’t take the opportunity to love me, DOES NOT mean I am unlovable. How do I account for a score of true and wonderful friendships and relationships that exist within my sphere?
“This person left me. There’s something that I was missing that didn’t satisfy them.”
If someone cheats on me or leaves me, that has literally nothing to do with me as a person. Damn, I must be pretty dang powerful to be the cause of ALLLLL these people’s actions. When did I stop separating the actions of others from my own? When did I start taking upon myself all the issues that have occurred in my life and rope it back to me?
I don’t go through the process of improving myself every single day just to sell myself out to someone who doesn’t believe in me. Or doesn’t believe in themself. I can’t be scared anymore to reach for something wonderful and fulfilling. Instead I perpetually find things as broken as me and like a lost puppy or a broken toy I am attracted to it because I know it won’t work out in the end and once they're gone I can store it as an example of my inadequacy. I know it’ll backfire. And that’s exactly what I need, right? The cycle continues.
No more. No more using broken relationships, rejections, or conflicts into some wretched indication of my lack of value as a person because it's just simply not the case.
I know I was too young to understand, but I’m gonna protect that younger version of myself with everything I’ve got now. I’m gonna give her a better life and take responsibility for my own self sabotaging.
So I’m gonna write something down that I never thought I’d believe. But I do. I really do.
I’m not missing a single thing. Not a thing. I’ve always been a whole person. Doesn’t mean I didn’t/don’t make mistakes. But it does mean that somebody else’s choices are not perpetuated by a fault of mine, or something I lacked as a person. I’m not here to satisfy anyone. I’m not here to win you over. I’m here to trust that me, the me without an eating disorder or depression or singing or writing or art or acting or any other embellishment or hardship to my existence is STILL whole. I’ll still be me. I’ll still be myself.
And that will always be enough.